Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
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Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?