BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
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Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.