sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
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Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”