You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
You Might Also Like
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Finally a use for spoilers…
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Love it! 👍😂
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.