Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
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Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…