I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
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no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.