Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
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I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.