Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
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Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!