Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
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My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen