This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
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[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.