I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
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I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.