I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
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me working on my assignments ^-^
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
nice challenge
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
thanksgiving should be called feaster
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel