“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
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No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Birds & Planes.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.