I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
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ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.