yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
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My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
The smoothest fall of all time
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Spa day..😅
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician