boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
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Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?