Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
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It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
#ProTip
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.