The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
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I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!