Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
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If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram