*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
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My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Dear Lord..
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
My flabber has been gasted.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel