You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
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King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
O Wise One….
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.