1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
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exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.