Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
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listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne