Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
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british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Do not steal food from the science building!
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.