I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
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I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
buys donuts instead
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!