Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
You Might Also Like
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
✌️
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.