fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
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my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Genius idea!!
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass