Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
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Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret