An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
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I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
meow
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
They got a point!
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
When he asks for feet pics
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’