This is why I hate group projects
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Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
m’lady
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Another interesting #factupdates post!
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Feels like there should be a middle ground