No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
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Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
This dude got his own movie?
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.