Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
You Might Also Like
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Feel. He’s so soft.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Social distancing in Australia:
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something