Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
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rise and shine we got egg
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they