*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
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if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No