[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
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Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
same vibe as tangled headphones
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.