Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
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Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I am patiently waiting for your email
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky