You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
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God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Well, shit
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold