Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
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I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
your honor my client chooses dare
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.