Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
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Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]