My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
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When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”