We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
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*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.