Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
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He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.