I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
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i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
rapatouille
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
I’m pretty like a car crash.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?