Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
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all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur