Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
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“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.