A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
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“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Monday Lisa
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
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