Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
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No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*