i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
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SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”