“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
You Might Also Like
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.