MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
You Might Also Like
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
[shakes fist at other fist]
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.